Tony's Guide to Ancient China: A HOWTO

I have spent the past two days in Xi'an, China learning about Chinese history. Given all that I have learned, I figure I should impart some of that information. If you ever happen to be in Ancient China, there are three big tips (that reflect what I have learned):

1. Avoid building "mausoleums" (a.k.a. tombs).

While the emperor you are building it for may be powerful, benevolent and all that great stuff, helping to build a mausoleum is not a good idea. The reason is simple: when the emperor bites the big one, you will be sacrificed and buried with him to continue to serve in the underworld. What a great surprise and honour, huh?

2. Avoid being a "right/left-hand man" for the emperor.

Because you are so high up in the chain, one of the great perks is that you get to hang out and flirt with the hottie concubines. Not too shabby. The problem is that because you get to hang out and flirt with the hottie concubines, emperors are quite scared you may boink with them. As a consequence, they'll lop off your nuts, first. I guess it depends on where your priorities are.

3. (For the women) Drink lots of booze, eat lots of fatty foods.

Back in the day (as my mom never seemed to tire of telling us), it was a good thing to be chubby. Further, having alcohol in your system made your cheeks rosy, which was known to be a real draw for the emperors.

Tune in next time for a more contemporary look at China.